Question: Is putting sunglasses on a baby cruel, appropriate or hilarious?

Today's question comes again from Lola, who is the best most prolific among (all 3 of) you at suggesting questions.

I'm going to assume that the question has nothing to do with actually protecting the baby from the evil rays of the sun and is more about using your baby as a comedy prop.  It should come as no surprise that I am a big fan of laughter at the expense of babies.

I spent months trying to get a good picture of my daughter, back when she was a colicky little bucket of hell, waiting for an unlikely moment where her face might accidentally fall into a passable approximation of a smile. A few came close. but none of them had any resemblance to what my daughter actually looked like for the other 86,399 seconds of the day.  One day I finally just took a picture of her when she was screaming her lungs out and it was the most satisfying, cathartic, and authentic picture I had even taken.  Was it cruel of me to spend the time taking a picture while my infant daughter was suffering trauma du second?  Maybe, but looking at that picture gave me solace.

So, yes, mock your baby.  Dress it in ridiculous clothing.  Train it to talk like a drunkard.  Take embarrassing photos of it every chance you get.  Parenting is fraught with pain, failure, and fear, so take the comedy where you can get it.

As for the specific question about sunglasses on a baby?  That's probably just cheesy, unless it's the Groucho Marx kind.

Question: How do you potty train a kid?

Actually, potty training a kid is a lot like training a dog to go outside.  See this link for more information.

Well, ok, it's not identical.  That bit about keeping your dog in a tiny crate, if you try to do that with your baby, be sure not to let your neighbors see.   Aside from that, it really is about training, praise, and timing.

One note on the praise, keep the rewards pretty small.  You don't want to be handing out trips to Disneyland each time your kid squeezes out a tiny squirt of piss.  I think we used some sort of candy as a reward at first, but it was a pretty small amount like one jellybelly.  We transitioned to a model where our daughter had to go several days without an accident to earn a present or frequent flyer miles or something like that.  It's all a bit fuzzy at this point, but our daughter hasn't pooped on the carpet in a lot of years, so I think it all worked out pretty well.

Question: How many kids should I have?

Woo!  I like the easy ones!  First, gather some data:

A) How many children did your parents have?
B) How many children did your partner's parents have?
C) On a scale from 1 (not at all) to 5 (we're doomed), how much do you worry about overpopulation?
D) On a scale from 1 (not at all) to 5 (kill me), how much does a crying baby on an airplane bother you?

Now, plug those numbers into this equation:

(A + B)/2 - C - D²

This is why math is useful.

Question: How do you deal with the inevitable change that comes with teenagerhood?

Today's question comes from Lola.

Lola, I have to be honest with you.  My kid is only 10, so I'm probably not the right guy to answer this question.  Plus, I don't have much personal experience in this area because as far as I recall (and my parents will back me up on this), I was a pretty well-behaved teenager.  I guess I was a late bloomer because my years of sloth and debauchery didn't kick in until later (and are apparently still going).

But, I've certainly heard the horror stories of sweet children turning into sullen moody monsters once puberty has laid waste everything that was innocent and good in them.  Those tales are alarming, but my take on this period of development might be different from the norm (big surprise there).

Part of me is looking forward to my daughter shrugging off the optimism and sunshine of youth.  I mean, it's adorable and all, but I find it a little hard to relate to a Pollyanna who literally twirls with delight when she sees a pretty flower.  I think maybe I have something more in common with the kid who rolls their eyes at a particularly beautiful rose.  You take my kid, add a dash of rebellion and a pinch of jadedness and maybe you get someone who I've got a chance of relating to.

I am, however, fully prepared for my friends to throw this particular blog post in my face once my daughter becomes one of these teenage monsters.  I've asked for it.

But, Lola, I say bring on the teenager.  It'll be nice for me to have another one in the house.

Question: Is it ok to be drunk around your kid?

What?

Is this question a thinly veiled attack on me?

Yes, I am a little drunk.  Look it was Beer Thursday after work today, and the bar happened to have a happy hour special on tequila shots.  That being said, find a place where you can hide from your child when you're drunk.  I recommend a basement or scary mask.

Question: What are good guidelines for appropriate toys?

I'm not really talking about baby toys here.  Babies like boring crap like jangly keys and contrasty faces, so as long as you don't get the exploding or lead versions of those, you're all set.   Let's discuss toys for older kids.

I know plenty of parents who have bans on video games, gun-shaped toys, Barbies, and whatever else the toy boogeyman du jour is.  I suspect that none of these boycotts are having the desired effect on their kids. 

First off, none of those toys are inherently evil.  Granted, some video games are not age appropriate, but others can be educational or at least challenging to the brain.  And lots of parents around here don't let their kids play with toy guns, but I've seen those same gun-deprived kids running around the park "shooting" with branches, pencils, syringes, or whatever other object they found on the ground.  Those kids just happen to love playing imagination games where they happen to run around and shoot their friends. 

Now, Barbies are indeed a pretty lame toy, and they do seem to present an unrealistic body image, but good luck hiding those images from your impressionable little monsters.  You'll have to sew their eyes shut each time they pass a billboard with a model, or happen to see a clothing ad in a newspaper, or stroll through the Marina district (sorry, San Francisco joke there).

By all means, give your kids toys that encourage their brains.  Try to trick your kids into learning Mandarin or quantum physics with educational toys, just like you try to hide spinach in their pizza or chocolate chip cookies, but if you have one of those kids who wants to play shoot 'em up Barbies, you're probably not going to be able to boycott your way out of that.

Kids love dumb stuff.  That's just how they are.

Question: How do you stop a baby from crying if feeding and burping don't help?

Good question, Lola!

Here's the thing about babies though.  They're really terrible at communicating what they need.  Just like I'll nervously make a joke whenever I'm under stress, babies will cry at the drop of a hat (seriously, don't drop hats around them).

That's their response to any need.  Are they too hot or too cold?  They cry.  Did you drop them on their heads?  They cry?  Are they feeling angst about the economy or ennui about the upcoming election?  Crying.

So, given that they could be crying about anything from hunger to cosmic rays, all you can really do is go down a checklist.  For the most part, babies cry for one of six reasons:

Baby too hot.
Baby too cold.
Baby too tired.
Baby too poopy.
Baby too hungry.
Baby too burpy.

So, solve each of those problems in turn and hope that one of them fixes the baby.  This is equivalent to hitting reload on your browser or rebooting your computer each time a web page doesn't load correctly.  Now, some people will tell you that they can discern between the hungry-cry and the cosmic-ray-cry.  Personally, I never developed that baby-whispering superpower, but maybe you'll have more luck.  I just rebooted each time and hoped the baby stopped crying.

So, the answer, Lola, is to march down the checklist, but if all of those fail, then your baby might have what doctors refer to as "colic".  Colic is the medical term for the case when nobody has any clue why your damn baby is crying all the damn time.  Laypeople refer to this as a "bad baby".

I had one of these bad babies.  What did I do to stop her from crying?  Mostly a lot of swearing.  It wasn't very effective.

Question: Should I invite people over to come help with the baby?

Babies are a lot of work.  I'm not talking "oh man, I am POOPED from typing at my computer all day" tired, but rather, "oh man, having my fingernails slowly pulled out over an eighteen-year period is EXHAUSTING" tired.  That'll take it out of you.

A common solution is to invite people to come help you, especially in the first few weeks of parenthood.  Maybe you need help watching the baby, or cooking some meals, or running some errands.  Despite what you might have heard about the weak immune systems of newborns and the need to keep them as isolated as possible, you'll be a more effective parent if you have some help.

So, who do you ask for help, Liz asks.

For many folks, the first line of defense is immediate family.  Siblings, parents, or in-laws are a great resource for parents with newborns.  Here's what you should do first though.

Think back to the last time you spent a lot of time with these potential helpers.  If they're parents or siblings, try to recall any vacations you took that involved many hours in the back seat of a car.  Think back to how you felt on the second to last day of that trip.  Did you like your family on that day?  Or did you fantasize about bludgeoning them with the tire iron?

Having a newborn is like being tortured.  You're fearful, sleep deprived, being asked to wallow in feces, and questioning all the actions you've taken in your life that have led up to this horrible horrible point.  Is your mother-in-law really the person you want to deal with at this moment?

I am by no means saying that you should not ask for help.  I'm recommending just the opposite, but keep in mind that these days/months/years might easily be the worst ones in your life and you might not want to surround yourself with people who cook you meals but irritate the fuck out of you.

Think carefully about who your favorite people are.  Ask them for help.

Question: How can I raise a well-adjusted child?

This one is easy. 

Go grab some dice.  Choose the luckiest one.  Roll it.

Did you get a number higher than 3?  Congratulations!  You'll have a better than average adjusted child! 

Get a 1?  Oh, man, I am so sorry.  Save up for therapy and/or a good defense attorney.

My point here is that children are amazingly complex systems.  You can try to influence them, set a good example, be there for all their emotional blah blah blah, but you can never tell what the end result will be.  All your hard work could by undone by one of their peers saying, "Everyone hates you because you're fat."

BAM!  Snake eyes!  Your kid just developed a life-long eating disorder.

When systems are as complex as these, with a nearly infinite number of influences, trying to predict the outcome is like trying to predict chaos.  Chaos is tough stuff, but you can make a pretty good stab at modeling parts of it by using randomness.  That's where the the handy dandy dice come in.  Aim for boxcars.

Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't TRY to be a good parent, sensitively attuned to your child's emotional needs.  My wife does all that good crap, and I'd bet it does more good than harm, but my kid has had the same set of neuroses for nearly her entire life.  Did I cause them?  Probably, but hell if I know what I did.

Kids are hard.  Prepare for random.

Question: What should I do when my baby starts teething?

Actually, the question posed by Some Girl, was "Why can't you just soak a corner of a washcloth in whiskey or some other liquor and give it to a teething baby to stop it from crying?"

Apparently Some Girl suggested this technique to a parent and they were unsurprisingly reluctant to take her up on her boozy offer.  It's 2010 now and there are lots of ways to reduce the pain of teething without resorting to liquoring up your infant like grandma did.

Of course we don't give our infants alcohol!  We also ensure that our kids wear helmets while riding their bikes and we monitor their every move on the playground without blinking lest the lurking pedophiles snatch our babies during an ill-timed blink.  WE ARE BEING VERY SAFE!

So, is this meticulous approach to safety the absolute right answer?  Probably not.  Although it's hard to argue against putting a helmet on a kid, half the people reading this blog safely logged many hundreds of biking miles as children without any sort of helmetry, padding, or bubblewrap.  And, yes, I'm going to feel like an asshole if my kid gets kidnapped from the playground while I'm blogging, but isn't there something to be said for letting kids have a bit of independence?  What emotional flaw am I creating in my kid by enveloping her in an unsustainable bubble of protection?

I'm not lobbying for us to ignore safety, but the world is complex and there's little guarantee that whatever safety mechanisms you've employed are actually doing more good than harm.  When my kid was teething, we used infant Tylenol which has been regarded for many years as the most effective and safest way to reduce that kind of pain in an infant.  These days?  Whiskey is looking like a pretty good choice.

Question: Should I have a home birth?

I live in San Francisco, went to college in Berkeley, and am annoyed at how conservative Obama is.  So, it's safe to say that I'm not a conservative guy and am open to non-traditional life choices.  That being, said, the idea of performing the procedure where you remove one human being from THE INSIDE OF another human being in your living room is pretty much the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

Hey, I love hanging out at home watching TV, but that doesn't mean that I should have an appendicitis there.

However, my good friend Liz, who seems to be sane, had a couple of kids at home, and damned if it didn't seem to be an excellent choice for her.  The birth of her kids sure did go more smoothly than mine did.  Although I'm loath to draw conclusions from a tiny sample size, I'd be a fool to ignore this.

So, should you give birth at home, surrounded by midwives and myrrh?  Damnit, I don't know.  Next time I'm writing a blog about computer programming.  What languages should you use?  Ruby and Scala.

Question: What if I have an ugly baby?

Fear not!  All babies are ugly.  They're wrinkly, have bad hair, and they have bad hygiene.  Yes, they have big eyes, which are cute by definition, but unless you have a fat-cheek fetish, newborn babies are not attractive beings.

Worse yet, this is not a case of someone being ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside, instead babies are ugly through and through.  They're selfish, oblivious, and loud.  I've heard babies being described as looking like Winston Churchill, but that's only on the outside.  On the inside, they're Archie Bunker at best.

But double fear-not.  No one will tell you this about your baby.  They'll coo over your baby and tell you how adorable it is.  Yes, yes, YOUR baby is going to be the exception to the ugly rule.

Enjoy your Brad Pitt / Angelina Jolie baby.

*snicker*

Question: How do new parents find the time and energy for sex?

This question comes from fellow-blogger Candid Engineer. 

What is this "sex" you speak of?  It sounds familiar but, I can't quite place it.

Oh, ho ho, did you see what I did there?  I answered her question by implying that for parents like me, it's been so damn long since I had sex, that I don't even remember what it is.  Good one, Mike!

Let's cover this in more detail.  Sex for new parents has several factors going against it.  First, there's the general rule that frequency of sex in any relationship is rumored to go down over time in a standard decay function that looks something like this.

So, assuming that you're not popping out that kid in the early months of your relationship, you're probably already on the right-hand side of that graph.   Additionally, the excellent and smooth Twizzler-based decay curve doesn't take into account being exhausted from the ever-crying and never-sleeping of a newborn baby.  Hell, even if your kid does spend some rare time asleep, and you're improbably energetic and horny, maybe the last thing you want to do is have loud bangy sex.  Let's just go ahead and lop some of that delicious Twizzler off of those right-hand lines there.

There ain't much Twizzler sex left now, is there?

So, Candid Engineer, the answer is that they don't.  Your mileage may vary.

Question: Cloth or disposable diapers?

There's a lot of information on this topic and I'm not really sure how much of it is reliable.  I can easily find studies online that show that cloth diapers are the more environmentally correct answer, but I can also find studies that show that the environmental impact of reusing cloth diapers can rival that of disposables.  I suspect that Huggies and Pampers people are probably behind the latter studies, but I suppose it makes sense that if you live in a place like California, where drought is a constant threat, that  a washable cloth diaper might not be the right answer.

So, let's approach this from another angle.

Diapers are filled with crap.  On a scale from Roses to Crap, crap scores a perfect Crap.  It is terrible terrible stuff.  You need to do whatever you can to get the crap as far away from you as quickly as possible.  Seriously.  Crap.

If you are concerned about your carbon footprint, I applaud you.  I also will forgive you if you choose to give the planet the finger here and use diapers made out of old-growth redwoods and baby harp seal ears.

Save yourselves. 

Question: What color should I paint the nursery?

Holy cow, this post-every-day-for-30-days idea was terrible!  I have something amusing to say about once a week (much to the chagrin of my wife to whom I speak almost every day).  However, on a topic that people actually care about, like baby care, I have something of value to say once every almost-never.  So, the idea of me writing about baby care on a daily basis is entirely worthless. 

If the truth must be known,  I am not a child care professional.  I am a E-list blogger and computer programmer who mistakenly thought he could write about babies for 30 days.  The major flaw in that plan is that I only brainstormed 7 days of material.

That being said, I'm a man of my word.  8 days down.  Interminable to go.

I would, however, be DELIGHTED if some of you suggested questions for me to answer.   Hmmmm?  Help a moron out?  Leave a comment or email me at ogblay at gmail.

Oh, and, uh, green.  Or black.

Question: How can I get my baby to sleep through the night?

If there's one parenting issue that I've thought about deeply and seriously for years, it's this one.  My daughter was a terrible sleeper for many many years, so I learned a lot.  Thus, I give you my answer with a large amount of certainty. 

The answer is:  do the opposite of everything I did.

1. Don't try to get your kid to sleep in a bassinet/crib as soon as possible.
2. Don't try a different strategy and bring your kid into your bed for a few days.
3. Don't Ferberize for a few weeks and then let your kid get sick or have anything else occur that messes with the sleep schedule
4. Don't doggedly stick to one strategy.
5. Don't see-saw back and forth between approaches.

Pretty simple, really.

Question: What kind of stroller should I buy?

It's probably clear by this point that I don't really care for babies.  I'm sure YOUR baby is/will-be awesome, but all the other babies are expensive, selfish, terrible conversationalists, and they don't even wipe their own butts.   How much do you like hanging out with people who can't be bothered to wipe their own butts?  Me either.

What do I like even less than babies?  Strollers.

Look, even if your kid likes riding in a stroller (and mine, like many, did NOT), once you get where you're going, you've got this big unwieldy stroller to deal with.  Plus, while the kid is in the stroller, you're pretty disconnected from him.  While I am a big proponent of disconnecting often from your kid, I wasn't necessarily interested in doing so each time I needed to walk somewhere.

So, here's what I recommend.

1) Strollers can cost over $1,000.  That is NUTS.  Spend as little as possible and save the rest of your money for a college fund or Xanax.

2) Don't get a giant stroller.  Although it's nice to have multiple cup-holders and a sizable luggage rack, you will be annoyed having to maneuver an SUV-sized stroller.   Go for maneuverability!  Seriously, see how easily and tightly the stroller turns.

3) Get one that folds up EASILY.  If it takes 3 hands and a diagram to fold up your stroller, you have chosen poorly.

Better yet, carry your baby or strap it to you.  As I mentioned earlier, I don't even like babies, but you gotta keep an eye on the things or they'll start smoking or something.

Question: Should I have a baby?

Well, odds are that if you're reading this, it's probably already too late to ask that question.  I mean, if you're on the verge of becoming a parent, then, yes, you should have that damn baby.

If, however, you stumbled onto this blog before you impregnated someone (or become pregnant) then this is worthy of discussion.  The answer is:

Beats me.

My baby was terrible.  My life was a living hell for several years after she was born, a combination of crying torture and sleep deprivation.  I am not a religious man, but I literally prayed for death for many nights during that period.  My prayers were unanswered, and now I've got a pretty good kid.  I guess that's a happy ending, but it doesn't say much about the power of prayer.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that if you can guarantee that your kids turns out pretty good, like mine did, then, yes, have a kid!  If however, your kid is going to be one of those serial killer/glenn beck kids, then, no.  We're full up on serial killers and Glenn Becks.

If you're not sure....then, no.

Question: Should I immunize my baby?

Yes!

Hang on.  Let me get a bigger font.

YES!

Look, if you want to go live off the grid, on a deserted island, away from civilization, then feel free to skip this step.  If, however, you plan to live among the sane, then immunize your kid!  When you skip immunizations, not only do you put your kid at risk, but you put many of us at risk.  It's kind of like covering your mouth when you cough. 

Worried about autism?  Studies linking autism to vaccines have been discredited, but if you go searching on the net for web sites telling you that vaccines cause autism, you will find plenty.  This is one of those times when you need to be able to distinguish credible information from anecdotal rumors.  We did land on the moon.  Obama was born in Hawaii.  Vaccines are pretty damn safe.

If you want to skip some of the vaccines for the less deadly diseases, well, I suppose there's an argument to be made there.  Hell, I haven't had a flu shot in a couple years, although that's more due to laziness than fear of Big Pharma.  Or if you'd like to spread out your kids vaccines as much as possible, that's reasonable too.  But, for any vaccine you're considering skipping, go research what that disease is like.  How wonderful will your kids life be with a nice dose of polio?  I'm guessing not so wonderful.

Any time you introduce a foreign agent into the human body, there's a bit of risk, but if you compare that to the risk and consequences of getting the disease in question, I think it's a pretty easy decision.

Question: What should I name my baby?

Names for humans generally need to meet three criteria:

1) Uniqueness -- The whole point of names is to allow each of us to be identified uniquely.  In fact, in a perfectly designed world, each person would have a unique name, and since we often go just by our first name, those would be unique too.

Don't make the mistake my parents did and give your kids the most common name they could think of.  All through school there were always several Mikes in my class.  Even at my last job, I'd routinely sit in on teleconferences where 3 out of the 5 people were named Mike.  That's namefail.  Annoying for me and annoying for people trying to communicate with some subset of the Mikes.

Now, I'm not demanding that you use a naming scheme based on the exact time and location of your your child's birth (although you'd have my eternal admiration if you did), but for god sakes, at least consult a list of the current most popular names and DON'T choose a name from there.

2) Usability -- People are going to be pronouncing, reading, and writing this name for your entire child's life (and maybe longer).  Make it easy to say and spell.  Yes, you could spell "Michael" as "Micheal" or "Mykul" or "qMqiqcqhqaqeqlq" (the Qs are silent!), but don't.  If you're picking a known name, use the known spelling.  If you're picking an unknown name, make it pronounceable and easy to spell.  People are stupid and will mess up your child's name for your entire child's life unless you make it simple for them.

3) Mockery Imperviousness -- At some level all names are mockable.  Yes, yes, Michael sort of rhymes with bicycle.  Big whoop.  What you're really trying to avoid are the obvious blunders. 

I'm sure your grandpa Dick was an awesome guy, and you loved your great aunt Vaginapie, but you can't use those names.   For the love of god, at least plug your potential names into a rhyming dictionary and make sure that you don't choose a name like "Tucker" or "Jasshole".

Remember, your kid has to live with this name, and ideally the name won't prevent your kid from living a long life.

Question: What do I need to have ready at home on Day One?

Here are the must-have items that you need in your house in order to start caring for a newborn baby:

1) Infant diapers -- When your baby is born it knows how to do 3 things:  Breath, cry, and crap.  The first two don't require supplies, but the third requires pretty much everything you can throw at it.  If you also have wet-wipes and a hazmat suit, then that's awesome, but you can get pretty far with diapers and whatever clothy-wipey thing you can find in the garage.

2) Infant clothing (onesies) -- Did I mention that babies crap a lot?  Jesus.  They are adorable little crapping crying machines.  Plus, they spew liquid from every other orifice they have.  They spit up, get gooey eyes, pee like geysers, and crap and crap and crap.  The downside of all this delightful crapping that your precious baby will be doing is that they're going to cover themselves (and you) in crap every chance they get.  Have plenty of outfits ready.

3) Access to Google -- Every time your baby goes too many or too few seconds between poops, you are going to freak out and want to google things like "baby poop intervals" and "baby prostate cancer".  Easy access to Google (and blogs like this one) will enable you to quickly validate your worst fears.

4) Booze -- Parenting is a special gift, kind of like a root canal is a special gift.   Your first few months will be terrifying, filled with sleepless nights, feelings of inadequacy, and murderous rage.  Alcohol is the best complement to this situation.

People are going to tell you that you need a lot more stuff.  They'll list items like strollers, bassinets, and rectal thermometers.   You'll probably want these items at some point, but if you don't have them when your baby arrives, don't sweat it. Your baby will hate these things.

Question: Should I find out the gender of my baby ahead of time?

Good question!  Like all good questions there are two sides to this story.

Some people are control freaks who, even before the baby exits the womb, have applied to the best preschools, started a college savings plan, and picked out the shade of Italian marble for the family tomb.  These people not only want to know the sex of their unborn baby in order to make the best wardrobe decisions, but will also sign up for 23andMe to find any genetic markers indicating the gender of their grandchildren.

Other parents cherish the surprise and mystery of child birth.  They seek to maximize the wonder and magic of baby's emergence from the womb and don't really see how knowing the gender of their child does much good.

So, is there an answer to this question or is it just a matter of personal preference?

Of course there's an answer!  Why would I lead off this blog with an unanswerable question?  The answer is: Yes!

Look, everything about your baby is going to be a surprise.  Your baby is going to shock and horrify you in ways that you never imagined.  It's going to crap in surprising ways.  It's going to get surprising diseases.  When it gets older, it'll pick a surprising career.  Supreme Court Justice or Serial Killer?  Nobody knows.  SURPRISE!

So for the love of god, if you have the chance to learn the tiniest bit of useful information about your child-to-be, take it!  Even if this information only allows you to prepare mentally instead of warddrobely, take it!  You're not going to be prepared for anything for the next couple decades, so grasp on to this tiny straw of knowledge and suck at it! 

Those kooks (no offense, kooks!) who want to keep secrets from themselves during the pregnancy?  They are wrong, misguided, and can get their own damn blog.

Why does the world need yet another blog?

A friend of mine is going to become a father for the first time.  The due date is 30 days from today.  In honor of this occasion, and because parents (like smokers) want nothing more than unsolicited advice, I have vowed to post advice to this blog every day for the next 30 days.

Each day I will answer an unasked question. Why are these questions unasked?  Maybe people are too embarrassed.  Maybe the questions are moronic.  Maybe people (rightly) do not respect my opinion on the topic.  Those reasons are irrelevant because I really like to watch myself type.

You are welcome.