Question: How do I handle screaming kids in a restaurant?

This is a subtle one.  Luckily my many years of parenting experience have qualified me to shed a little light on this situation.

REMOVE YOUR SCREAMING CHILD FROM THE RESTAURANT.

That's pretty much it.  Really, the only exception to this rule is if there are other children in the restaurant and at least one of them is screaming louder than yours.  Your goal is to be no worse than the second worst parent in the room.  If, however, your kid is the loudest one, then you are the bad parent and your punishment is to remove your child from the dining area immediately. 

Teaching a kid to behave in a restaurant is a valuable skill, and it will occasionally result in some behavior inappropriate for a venue like that, but you cannot let your kid scream in a restaurant while other more-human beings are trying to eat.  So, practice in crappy restaurants where the other terrible parents go.  Bring some entertainment for your kid, like coloring supplies or Benadryl.

Note that I'm not saying this because my kid never screamed in a restaurant when she was of that age.  I'm saying this because I don't want to have to listen to YOUR kid screaming in a restaurant.  Humanity thanks us both.