Question: How do you potty train a kid?

Actually, potty training a kid is a lot like training a dog to go outside.  See this link for more information.

Well, ok, it's not identical.  That bit about keeping your dog in a tiny crate, if you try to do that with your baby, be sure not to let your neighbors see.   Aside from that, it really is about training, praise, and timing.

One note on the praise, keep the rewards pretty small.  You don't want to be handing out trips to Disneyland each time your kid squeezes out a tiny squirt of piss.  I think we used some sort of candy as a reward at first, but it was a pretty small amount like one jellybelly.  We transitioned to a model where our daughter had to go several days without an accident to earn a present or frequent flyer miles or something like that.  It's all a bit fuzzy at this point, but our daughter hasn't pooped on the carpet in a lot of years, so I think it all worked out pretty well.

Question: How many kids should I have?

Woo!  I like the easy ones!  First, gather some data:

A) How many children did your parents have?
B) How many children did your partner's parents have?
C) On a scale from 1 (not at all) to 5 (we're doomed), how much do you worry about overpopulation?
D) On a scale from 1 (not at all) to 5 (kill me), how much does a crying baby on an airplane bother you?

Now, plug those numbers into this equation:

(A + B)/2 - C - D²

This is why math is useful.

Question: How do you deal with the inevitable change that comes with teenagerhood?

Today's question comes from Lola.

Lola, I have to be honest with you.  My kid is only 10, so I'm probably not the right guy to answer this question.  Plus, I don't have much personal experience in this area because as far as I recall (and my parents will back me up on this), I was a pretty well-behaved teenager.  I guess I was a late bloomer because my years of sloth and debauchery didn't kick in until later (and are apparently still going).

But, I've certainly heard the horror stories of sweet children turning into sullen moody monsters once puberty has laid waste everything that was innocent and good in them.  Those tales are alarming, but my take on this period of development might be different from the norm (big surprise there).

Part of me is looking forward to my daughter shrugging off the optimism and sunshine of youth.  I mean, it's adorable and all, but I find it a little hard to relate to a Pollyanna who literally twirls with delight when she sees a pretty flower.  I think maybe I have something more in common with the kid who rolls their eyes at a particularly beautiful rose.  You take my kid, add a dash of rebellion and a pinch of jadedness and maybe you get someone who I've got a chance of relating to.

I am, however, fully prepared for my friends to throw this particular blog post in my face once my daughter becomes one of these teenage monsters.  I've asked for it.

But, Lola, I say bring on the teenager.  It'll be nice for me to have another one in the house.

Question: Is it ok to be drunk around your kid?

What?

Is this question a thinly veiled attack on me?

Yes, I am a little drunk.  Look it was Beer Thursday after work today, and the bar happened to have a happy hour special on tequila shots.  That being said, find a place where you can hide from your child when you're drunk.  I recommend a basement or scary mask.

Question: What are good guidelines for appropriate toys?

I'm not really talking about baby toys here.  Babies like boring crap like jangly keys and contrasty faces, so as long as you don't get the exploding or lead versions of those, you're all set.   Let's discuss toys for older kids.

I know plenty of parents who have bans on video games, gun-shaped toys, Barbies, and whatever else the toy boogeyman du jour is.  I suspect that none of these boycotts are having the desired effect on their kids. 

First off, none of those toys are inherently evil.  Granted, some video games are not age appropriate, but others can be educational or at least challenging to the brain.  And lots of parents around here don't let their kids play with toy guns, but I've seen those same gun-deprived kids running around the park "shooting" with branches, pencils, syringes, or whatever other object they found on the ground.  Those kids just happen to love playing imagination games where they happen to run around and shoot their friends. 

Now, Barbies are indeed a pretty lame toy, and they do seem to present an unrealistic body image, but good luck hiding those images from your impressionable little monsters.  You'll have to sew their eyes shut each time they pass a billboard with a model, or happen to see a clothing ad in a newspaper, or stroll through the Marina district (sorry, San Francisco joke there).

By all means, give your kids toys that encourage their brains.  Try to trick your kids into learning Mandarin or quantum physics with educational toys, just like you try to hide spinach in their pizza or chocolate chip cookies, but if you have one of those kids who wants to play shoot 'em up Barbies, you're probably not going to be able to boycott your way out of that.

Kids love dumb stuff.  That's just how they are.

Question: How do you stop a baby from crying if feeding and burping don't help?

Good question, Lola!

Here's the thing about babies though.  They're really terrible at communicating what they need.  Just like I'll nervously make a joke whenever I'm under stress, babies will cry at the drop of a hat (seriously, don't drop hats around them).

That's their response to any need.  Are they too hot or too cold?  They cry.  Did you drop them on their heads?  They cry?  Are they feeling angst about the economy or ennui about the upcoming election?  Crying.

So, given that they could be crying about anything from hunger to cosmic rays, all you can really do is go down a checklist.  For the most part, babies cry for one of six reasons:

Baby too hot.
Baby too cold.
Baby too tired.
Baby too poopy.
Baby too hungry.
Baby too burpy.

So, solve each of those problems in turn and hope that one of them fixes the baby.  This is equivalent to hitting reload on your browser or rebooting your computer each time a web page doesn't load correctly.  Now, some people will tell you that they can discern between the hungry-cry and the cosmic-ray-cry.  Personally, I never developed that baby-whispering superpower, but maybe you'll have more luck.  I just rebooted each time and hoped the baby stopped crying.

So, the answer, Lola, is to march down the checklist, but if all of those fail, then your baby might have what doctors refer to as "colic".  Colic is the medical term for the case when nobody has any clue why your damn baby is crying all the damn time.  Laypeople refer to this as a "bad baby".

I had one of these bad babies.  What did I do to stop her from crying?  Mostly a lot of swearing.  It wasn't very effective.

Question: Should I invite people over to come help with the baby?

Babies are a lot of work.  I'm not talking "oh man, I am POOPED from typing at my computer all day" tired, but rather, "oh man, having my fingernails slowly pulled out over an eighteen-year period is EXHAUSTING" tired.  That'll take it out of you.

A common solution is to invite people to come help you, especially in the first few weeks of parenthood.  Maybe you need help watching the baby, or cooking some meals, or running some errands.  Despite what you might have heard about the weak immune systems of newborns and the need to keep them as isolated as possible, you'll be a more effective parent if you have some help.

So, who do you ask for help, Liz asks.

For many folks, the first line of defense is immediate family.  Siblings, parents, or in-laws are a great resource for parents with newborns.  Here's what you should do first though.

Think back to the last time you spent a lot of time with these potential helpers.  If they're parents or siblings, try to recall any vacations you took that involved many hours in the back seat of a car.  Think back to how you felt on the second to last day of that trip.  Did you like your family on that day?  Or did you fantasize about bludgeoning them with the tire iron?

Having a newborn is like being tortured.  You're fearful, sleep deprived, being asked to wallow in feces, and questioning all the actions you've taken in your life that have led up to this horrible horrible point.  Is your mother-in-law really the person you want to deal with at this moment?

I am by no means saying that you should not ask for help.  I'm recommending just the opposite, but keep in mind that these days/months/years might easily be the worst ones in your life and you might not want to surround yourself with people who cook you meals but irritate the fuck out of you.

Think carefully about who your favorite people are.  Ask them for help.