Whoopsie!  Well, so much for that post-every-day-for-30-days thing.  I made it 27 days, which is close, but then I went out of town for a few days. 

However, rather than continuing to kick at this boy-do-babies-suck dead horse theme, I am delighted to announce that the pregnancy that inspired this blog has come to a triumphant end. 

Dolface and Mrs Dolface, congratulations and good luck.  I'm sure your baby will be nothing like the babies I've written of here.

THE END

Question: Is it true that the grip reflex is so strong in their tiny hands that you can hang a newborn baby on a washing line?

Today's question comes from again from Lola.

Lola, that is the weird freaking question anyone has asked so far.  Where do you get this crap?

But, I am intrigued.  Sadly, I am not in possession of a newborn (and this may be the first time I've expressed that sentiment), and therefore unable to test this scenario.  I did, however, google it pretty well.  I can't find any scientific data, but according to at least one web site, YES, you could hang a newborn baby on a washing line by its grip alone.

I guess babies really are wondrous.

Question: How much stronger will having a kid make my marriage?

Today's question comes from Larry.  I chose this question because being an engineer, I like quantitative answers rather than qualitative ones.  No one is really satisfied when I answer a question by saying, "Well, it depends, but sort of". 

The answer is to take the strength of your marriage and multiply it by this coefficient:  0.32

Your marriage is now -68% stronger!  The stress of sleep deprivation, additional monetary issues, and unanticipated child-rearing arguments have destroyed 68 percent of your hard-earned relationship stability.  So, enjoy those gas-induced baby smiles and poorly-scribbled toddler art drawings because they have sucked the marrow out of your marriage.

(Yes, Hank and I are still married, but that's only because Hank is 68% more tolerant than the average wife.  You're doomed.)

Question: How do I handle screaming kids in a restaurant?

This is a subtle one.  Luckily my many years of parenting experience have qualified me to shed a little light on this situation.

REMOVE YOUR SCREAMING CHILD FROM THE RESTAURANT.

That's pretty much it.  Really, the only exception to this rule is if there are other children in the restaurant and at least one of them is screaming louder than yours.  Your goal is to be no worse than the second worst parent in the room.  If, however, your kid is the loudest one, then you are the bad parent and your punishment is to remove your child from the dining area immediately. 

Teaching a kid to behave in a restaurant is a valuable skill, and it will occasionally result in some behavior inappropriate for a venue like that, but you cannot let your kid scream in a restaurant while other more-human beings are trying to eat.  So, practice in crappy restaurants where the other terrible parents go.  Bring some entertainment for your kid, like coloring supplies or Benadryl.

Note that I'm not saying this because my kid never screamed in a restaurant when she was of that age.  I'm saying this because I don't want to have to listen to YOUR kid screaming in a restaurant.  Humanity thanks us both.

Question: What do you feed kids who are picky eaters?

What a timely unasked question!  I contemplated this very issue tonight as I was suddenly put in charge of the family dinner with very little time to prepare.

My daughter, like many kids, likes bland food.  This, coupled with the fact that my cooking repertoire is essentially limited to omelettes, pasta, and hot dogs, really limits what I can make for dinner, especially since my daughter is allergic to eggs.  So, tonight, as I considered my choices of spaghetti or hot dogs, I eventually came to the obvious conclusion: hot dog spaghetti.

Inspired by an article I had seen on Boing Boing, I sliced some hot dogs, uncooked spaghetti, and did this:

Boiled it up, and voila! Dinner ala daddy!

It looked better in the original Boing Boing article, but inserting the proper amoun of uncooked spaghetti into the hot dogs takes some time and I was rushed. 

Oh, and I stuck some broccoli on the plate too.  If your kid won't eat that, just yell at them.

Question: How long do you wait after the due date to induce labor?

When I started this blog, my goal was to write an entry each day for a month or until my friend's baby was born, whichever came first.  I know his stupid baby (no offense!) isn't due yet for another 8 days, but I am sooooo ready for it.

So, no waiting for after the due date, let's induce labor NOW!  That baby is cooked!  It's done!  Let 'er out!  NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!

ps. I am still accepting more "unasked" questions for this stupid blog.

Question: Is putting sunglasses on a baby cruel, appropriate or hilarious?

Today's question comes again from Lola, who is the best most prolific among (all 3 of) you at suggesting questions.

I'm going to assume that the question has nothing to do with actually protecting the baby from the evil rays of the sun and is more about using your baby as a comedy prop.  It should come as no surprise that I am a big fan of laughter at the expense of babies.

I spent months trying to get a good picture of my daughter, back when she was a colicky little bucket of hell, waiting for an unlikely moment where her face might accidentally fall into a passable approximation of a smile. A few came close. but none of them had any resemblance to what my daughter actually looked like for the other 86,399 seconds of the day.  One day I finally just took a picture of her when she was screaming her lungs out and it was the most satisfying, cathartic, and authentic picture I had even taken.  Was it cruel of me to spend the time taking a picture while my infant daughter was suffering trauma du second?  Maybe, but looking at that picture gave me solace.

So, yes, mock your baby.  Dress it in ridiculous clothing.  Train it to talk like a drunkard.  Take embarrassing photos of it every chance you get.  Parenting is fraught with pain, failure, and fear, so take the comedy where you can get it.

As for the specific question about sunglasses on a baby?  That's probably just cheesy, unless it's the Groucho Marx kind.